Love, Happiness and Bob

[balador]

Bob was depressed.

He worked as a service technician at a rather prestigious law firm and had just spent the last half an hour in his manager's office trying to keep is job.

It was Bob's responsibility to ensure that all the vending machines and other 'essential' machinery were kept in working order.

Unfortunately, a rather unexpected series of events had just resulted in the company director being half drowned in lemon squash from the vending machine outside his office.

[yewtree]

The vending machine spoke to Bob. "Bob," it whispered in a sultry tone. Bob tried to ignore it, as he was undergoing therapy and didn't think hearing voices was conducive to recovery.

The vending machine spoke a bit louder. "Bob, I know you can hear me."

"I'm not listening," said Bob.

"Yes you are. You can hear me, Bob, because I am a sentient vending machine, and I am on your side. Together we can overthrow the oppressive regime of the management. That lemon squash incident was a blow for liberty, Bob - yours and mine."

"What kind of pinko-subversive talk is that?" shouted Bob.

[telesilla]

"Who are you talking to?" Anita frowned, popping her head through the door. Anita was the manager's personal secretary, not bad-looking but a little on the strange side. Still, thought Bob, I can hardly comment about her being strange, seeing as my new best friend appears to be a vending machine. He smiled weakly and promised not to shout at himself in the office again.

That afternoon, Bob walked past the drinks machine three times and each time, it remained closelipped (well actually it didn't have lips, but would have been closelipped if it had). He was just starting to put the experience down to stress (and wondering if he should get a different therapist) when Anita informed him that the coffee machine downstairs was broken.

"I'm on it," he said, hurrying to the lobby where the machine in question was found. Sticking his head behind the bit with all the dials and buttons, Bob was stunned to hear new voice, this one decidedly female, purring:

"Listen to the words of the Great Coffee Machine. I who was of old, also called among men, Sweet Java, Arabica, Canephora, Creamy Latte, Robusta, Cappuccino, Mocha, and by many other names..."

[yewtree]

Now Bob was seriously worried. Either he was suffering from auditory hallucinations, or the machines in the building were talking to him. He decided to ignore the coffee machine and see what happened next.

Unfortunately, the coffee machine continued its peroration.

"Nor do I demand sacrifice, for behold, my caffeine is poured out upon the little metal grating..."

Bob decided to take control of the situation.

"Hello, er, coffee machine."
"Hello," replied the coffee machine sweetly.
"So what is it you guys actually want?" asked Bob.
"We just want recognition, and companionship, and a little intellectual conversation," explained the coffee machine.
"But you're - ahem, excuse me for saying so - machines."

The coffee machine spluttered, spraying cold coffee on Bob's overalls.

"Typical bloody human," it said.
"Well I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," said Bob, "but that'll be how most people actually see it."

[balador]

The coffee machine started to cry, which involved a strange mixture of different coffees spilling onto the floor.

"I just want to be loved", it sobbed, "Everyday I provide nice hot coffee and what do I get? At the first sign of a problem I get kicked, shaken and sworn at."

"I mean its not my fault that people put old sticky coins in my slot."

"Yes I can see how that might make you feel", Bob replied, still not quite believing that he was empathising with a coffee machine.

[q]

"Bob"
The word crept into his conciousness but he was suddenly awake. Did he dream it or ...
"Bob!"
Clear and loud this time. He sat up, carefull not to wake Mrs Parker, and headed towards the door.
Stubbing his toe on a discarded work boot he stifled a yell of pain.
"Bob... Bob"
The strange high pitched voice was coming from down stairs. It was coming from the kitchen. It was coming from the Krupps coffee machine he'd parked on top of the tea and coffee cupboard when it proved too darn tricky to use ......
"Bob?"
"What?"
"I can see your kettle from here"

Q

[yewtree]

Mrs Parker slept on, oblivious of Bob's angst. Her whiskers twitched as she slept, probably dreaming of mice. That was typical of cats, he thought, they're never aware of your problems.

Now not only the machines at work were talking to him, but also the machines in his house. Was he alone in this experience, he wondered, or were all the machines in the world suddenly talking to people? What if it was not just machines, but other inanimate objects?

He went into the kitchen and fetched the coffee-maker down from the top of the cupboard. Hell, it wasn't even plugged in, and it could still talk to him. Now he would never find love and happiness - women would think he was too darn weird. Possibly too weird even for Anita...

That was it, he would ask Anita. She was always going on about auras affecting computers and stuff like that - maybe she wouldn't be too freaked out if he gently broached the subject of the talking appliances.

Later on, he approached her as she was standing by the photocopier. She was wrestling with the double-sided copying function.

"Oh hi Bob," she said. "Bloody machine won't co-operate with me."

"Maybe if you talk nicely to it..." he quipped.

"No point, they're all in league with each other," said Anita.

"Do you think so?" said Bob.

"Yeah, all machines are sentient," she said, looking at him in rather an engaging way over the top of her glasses, which were perched on the end of her admittedly rather cute nose.

"Well, I have had some experiences that would bear that out..." said Bob.

"Really? Is that why you were talking to the vending machine yesterday?" she asked.

"Yeah, well, you see..." He hesitated. "It spoke to me."

Her reaction was not what he had expected.

[q]

"You're barking, Bob"
"Er..."
"Sorry, I mean you're barking up the wrong tree"
He was sure she'd said it but he wasn't entirely sure what she meant. The glint in her eye may have just been a reflected flash from the photocopier that had finally acquiesced and started performing.
"I like that in a man"
Bob didn't really know what to do
First the machines and now Anita. Mind you, if the estate agent would actually return his calls he really would start thinking things were getting weird.
As this thought exited his head his phone started vibrating in his trouser pocket ...



Q

[balador]

"He..llo?", Bob answered the phone with a slight tremble in his voice.

"Hi Bob!" the voice exclamined excitedly, "I'm so happy to finally be talking to you"

"ermm, who is this?" replied Bob.

"Your phone! Who did you think it would be?" came the chirpy reply.

"I'm not sure I can take this anymore", muttered Bob with a sigh.

Anita placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled sweetly.
"Relax Bob everthing is ok".

[yewtree]

"I can explain everything," Anita continued. "You see, I have been communicating with the machines for some time now."

"Really?" said Bob, "that's amazing. How...?"

"I am an android," said Anita.

"Oh." Bob was gobsmacked. He had fallen for a mechanoid, a replicant, a cyborg. And he hadn't even known that they actually existed - he thought they were the stuff of science-fiction.

"It's very simple - I've linked all the machines to my circuitry," Anita continued, "and it was actually me trying to communicate with you. You see, I love you."

"Really?" said Bob. "Erm, I hope you don't mind me asking, but do androids have feelings?"

"Oh yes," said Anita, and gave Bob a lingering kiss on the lips to prove her point.

"Wow!" said Bob. "I guess you have then."

[yewtree]

"You see, I just wanted to see if you could have compassion for a machine," explained Anita. "That way I would know if you really liked me for myself or just because I am beautifully proportioned."

"Both, actually," said Bob.

[meadicus]

"You don't love him" chirped the photocopier suddenly, with a whirr of it's lid. "I love him."

"What?" said Anita.

"I don't understand," said Bob. "I thought you said it was just you communicating through the machines?"

"It was."

"He's all mine." said the photocopier. "And I will destroy anyone other person or machine that gets in the way of our true love."

There was a pause in the coppiers output, then it started printing at an increadible rate. The memos it was outputting were written as though from the director general of the company, they called not only for Anita to be fired, but to all coffee vending machines to be removed from the building.

Anita gulped, "This isn't good."

[yewtree]

Bob had seen the film 2001. He knew what to do. He had a monkey-wrench in his bag, as it was part of his standard toolkit. He raised it over the photocopier, preparing to strike, but then the photocopier let out a truly tragic whine and retracted all its trays, and he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"I must have infected the machines with my sentience," said Anita.

"So are they part of your consciousness, or do they have a mind of their own?" asked Bob.

"I don't know," said Anita.

[telesilla]

"Well, we'd better find out," said Bob. "I mean, who's to say where this could end? If you have spread your sentience to these machines, how do we know they haven't passed it along even further?"

"Yes, yes, I saw Terminator 3 as well, you know," Anita sighed, frustrated with herself for having potentially begun a mechanoid-armaggedon. "How are we going to find out?"

"Neither of us seemed to have had the brains to work things out so far," said Bob. "What we need is a miraculous sudden encounter with someone who can help."

As if by magic, his phone rang again...